Top Skills for Effective Relationships

Being in a relationship, especially high stakes one, can be one of the most challenging things we can experience in our lives. We seek to understand, be understood, and most importantly feel a sense of security so that we can trust that when we show up as our true selves, that we won’t be pushed away.  

Most of the time when we feel disconnected in our relationships, we tend to think about all the things that the other person is doing to keep us disconnected. We rarely stop to think about the ways we are contributing to the problem. This is normal as our ego is there to protect us from feeling the pain of disconnection. The problem is, when we look outside of ourselves for the answers to our problems, we become dependent on things that are out of our control.As painful as it can be, to look inside and honor our experience and find ways to make sense of how we feel and what we want are vital steps to becoming an effective communicator in relationships.

Think about it… we can’t be direct, clear, and intentional with the people we care about if we aren’t willing to do these things with out selves. Our relationship with ourselves is a direct reflection of our relationships with others. 

So, what do we do? Well, there are 3 skills for effective relationships. 

#1 – Get Curious

I once heard a mentor share an analogy that really helped shape this idea. When a storm is brewing, most animals seek shelter or try to outrun the storm. One animal does something different. The Bison turns directly into the storm because the Bison knows that the quickest way out of the storm is through it. 

This is not intuitive to us. When we sense a threat, disconnection, rejection, or judgment, we tend to seek a defensive or avoidant position with the hopes that we can protect ourselves.  The problem with this is that when we’re in relationship with someone else, this sets off a domino effect of everyone for themselves which usually ends in a defensive or avoidant standoff which usually makes the disconnection worse. 

So, what do we do? We get curious. We get curious about why we’re defensive, we get curious about our partner’s intentions and meaning, we get curious about the process itself. A nice little phrase to remember, “When furious, get curious!” Again, this will not be intuitive and require a practice of noticing were in a defensive or avoidant posture and that this is a cue to look inside for understanding.

#2 – Speak from experience 

It can be easy to focus on what our partner (or other high stakes relationships) is doing to make use feel triggered, defensive, and disconnected. It is logical to want to say, “Hey it really pisses me off when you look at your phone while I am trying to talk to you and I feel like you just don’t listen to me.”  

But what does our partner hear? Perhaps “I’m mad at you again.” “You’re not doing this right.” “My feelings are more important than whatever you’re doing right now.” Whatever fills in the blank, these messages probably illicit shame and fear.

So, what can we do to still get our message across and hopefully encourage our partner to engage with us? 

Well, turning your statement into one of your own experience can invite someone into joining you rather than reacting to you. 

What does this look like? 

“I want to share something important to me with you and when I see you on your phone, I tell myself a story that you’re not interested in what I am saying and that you don’t care about me. When this happens, I feel angry, hurt, and I want to do something to make you change your behavior. Can you help understand what is happening for you in these moments? 

This statement completely owns the experience and allows the other person to see things from your point of view without blame or shame and provides space for them to respond rather than react. 

#3 – Pause conflict when emotions are high 

It can feel inciting to speak up when we are feeling emotionally, especially when we are also feeling disconnected, when a boundary has been crossed, or when were triggered.  The problem is, we’re not actually speaking from a place of clarity or intention.  We simply react to our own internal conflict and sometimes this can add fuel to the fire were already working so hard to put out. 

This means both people in a relationship have a duty to recognize when they are outside their window of tolerance and to speak up about it.  

What does this look like? “I am feeling a lot right now in response to what you just said, and I want to raise my voice to feel heard. Can we talk about this tomorrow when I am feeling more centered?” 

This is a practice of setting boundaries with ourselves so we can recognize when we have crossed the line into a crisis that requires us to take care of ourselves. Not only does this practice help reduce the damage that can occur during conflict, but it also models for our partner that they can also set this boundary in conflict to help make the repair process more effective.