Differentiation

What is Differentiation and how does it show up in a relationship?

When a baby is born, they come into this world with little sense or awareness of what is going on outside of them as well as in. In this very early stage, the baby is heavily dependent on their primary caregiver (usually but no always the mother) for care, a source of nourishment, and a source of soothing. Babies spend upwards of two hours a day crying as it is their only means of communication this early in their development. It is not uncommon for a caregiver to spend most of the time the baby is awake in close physical contact.  This stage of development is called symbiosis and it is a vital in forming a strong attachment bond, one that will build trust not only in the relationship, but also inside the infant. 

About 3 to 6 months later, the toddler will begin to develop a sense of other, with a distinction of “who am I” and “who are you.”  This process of self defining is at the heart of the term differentiation. As adults, our attachment bonds work in a very similar way.  When you meet someone who you’re romantically interested in, your brain begins to release love drugs that pull you into a symbiotic state where you begin to bond and form a strong attachment to one another. This “honey moon phase” is essential for building a strong foundation of attachment that will serve as a platform for connection as the relationship grows. 

In the healthiest relationships, at some point, typically about 2 to 3 years into the relationship, this symbiotic bonding phase will change. Much like the toddler developing a sense of who am I? and who are you?, you will also begin to see the differences between you and your partner.  This phase of the relationship can be labeled “The Power Struggle Phase,” as you will begin to not only see differences between you and your partner but also notice disagreements, differences in values, and disillusionments. A core disillusionment is typically the first moment you noticed something about your partner that changed the way you felt about them. 

When differentiation fails, couples will tend to find ways out of their disagreements. One way they you or your partner may do this is by moving back in a symbiotic relationship dynamic where differences are not address but ignored or coerced. You may have heard someone you know or you yourself say something like this “We feel like the relationship is getting worse” or “We love going on vacation together.” These “We” statements may sound completely normal, however symbiosis may be the cause of these kinds of statements. The problem with “We” is that one partner may not agree with the statement but has little input into sharing their experience, usually out of fear of conflict, fear things could get worse, or fear their partner will be upset with them.  These strategies to avoid conflict and differentiation usually move couples into one of two categories. 

Hostile Dependent – Hostile dependent couples spend a lot of time arguing and being angry with one another. They tend to stay together but experience a high level of intensity and anger. They constantly feel like the other person is attacking them, isn’t showing up good enough, and doesn’t consider their feelings. 

Conflict Avoidant – Conflict avoidant couples spend a long time in tension-filled avoidant dynamics where one or both partners won’t risk disagreement or sharing their thoughts out of fear of disturbing the peace or what their partners reaction may be. They can seem happy on the outside but are usually quite unhappy with the relationship on the inside. 

The four steps of Differentiation

In order to practice differentiation with your partner, you must first practice SELF-DIFFERENTIATION. This process can be broken down into 4 steps.

1.  The ability to know what you think, feel, and want. This sounds simple but ask yourself, do you have clarity on these things when issues with your partner come up?
2.  The ability to share your inner world. Are you able to communicate your experience? Do they understand what your world is like?
3.  The ability to hold emotionally steady when you share your world even if your partner disagrees with you or does not like it. Can you self regulate when your partner says and does things that make you feel lonely, disconnected, pushed away, and hurt?
4.  The ability to hold a strong heart connection with yourself even when things with your partner aren’t going well. Can you treat yourself with kindness? Can you set and hold boundaries that keep you secure? Can you hold on to your own goodness?

We must first stabilize our own differentiation before we can expect to do so with our partner. Are you clear on what your boundaries are? Are you able to take care of yourself when emotions get high? Are you able to recognize when you need space from your partner? 

These are not easy to do and won’t just show up for you and your partner. This is an intentional practice. One of self exploration, curiosity, and care. If you are in need of support in your relationship or individual journey, reach out today to get started and releasing a more authentic you.